


Broken Circles

by muldy



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Character Death, F/M, Revenge, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-09 17:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11673891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muldy/pseuds/muldy
Summary: Believing that Chakotay has been killed, Janeway leads Voyager into a battle against a race that they have no chance to win. In addition there's a secret she's keeping from the crew, something she can't let anyone find out.Set between Seasons 4 & 5.





	1. Chapter 1

 

‘Lieutenant, can you manoeuvre behind them? That ship is a whole lot less mobile than ours, if we can get the weak part of their stern their shields will go down and we can transport him out of there.’

Captain Kathryn Janeway leaned forward in her seat, watching the view screen closely, trying to analyse the situation.

‘I don’t think I can, ma’am,’ Lieutenant Tom Paris turned to look at her, his face apologetic. ‘We’re surrounded.’

‘Then figure it out,’ she replied. ‘Tuvok, any input?’

She stood up, unable to stay seated any longer, the amount of anxious energy building up inside her was far too strong for sitting.

Her eyes strayed to the empty seat by her side, a reminder of why they were in this situation in the first place.

She crossed her arms and paced across to have a better view of her Security Officer.

‘I believe Lieutenant Paris is correct,’ Tuvok replied. ‘I do not see a way out of this.’

‘That’s not good enough, either of you,’ she snapped.

They both seemed surprised, their normally rational Captain seeming to behave entirely irrationally.

She hated to admit it, but the identity of the person stuck on board the Ki’jan vessel was affecting her judgement.

For a moment she could see his smiling face.

_‘It’ll be fine, Kathryn. There’s no need to worry.’_

_‘I didn’t say I was worried.’_

_‘You didn’t have to.’_

Well she had been right. She had good reason to be worried.

‘We’re getting a transmission from the Ki’jan ship,’ Ensign Harry Kim spoke up.

Kathryn turned her attention to him.

Every attempt she had taken to speak with the Ki’jan had only made things worse, but this was the first time they had made contact with her.

She nodded to Harry Kim and turned back to the view screen to face her enemy.

Instead she saw Chakotay. His face beaten, blood trickling down the side of his head and his cheeks scraped.

‘Chakotay,’ she breathed in as she said it.

‘ _Kathryn, you need to go, stop fighting,_ ’ he commanded. ‘ _It’s not safe for you to stay.’_

‘What about you?’ she asked.

‘ _Don’t worry about me_ ,’ he smiled.

And as he did so she watched in horror as a blast appeared from nowhere and hit him square in the chest.

In slow motion he seemed to fall backwards and collapse on the ground.

Her eyes went wide, tears instantly filling her vision and she seemed to freeze inside, unable to move.

‘Chakotay?’ she spoke just loudly enough for the name to travel on the comms.

There was no response.

Then the camera tilted and a familiar face appeared.

Captain Uri.

‘ _Your Commander is dead, Captain. Leave or the rest of your crew will join him.’_

He cut the transmission.

Her arms seemed frozen to her chest and she couldn’t breathe, she wasn’t even sure her heart was still beating.

Chakotay was dead.

If she hadn’t seen it with her own eyes there’s no way she would have believed it.

The silence on the bridge was overwhelming, and while part of wanted to scream, she had gone through training for this.

She knew how she was meant to respond.

And while she was able to resist her urge to scream, she couldn’t find the ability to make her next order.

‘Captain?’

She didn’t know who spoke, the loud buzzing in her ears getting louder, her vision blurring over.

‘Captain, what do you want us to do?’

‘Destroy their shields and extract Commander Chakotay,’ she commanded.

Her command was met with silence.

She turned to look at Tom, who was looking at her in surprise.

‘Is there a reason you’re ignoring my order, Lieutenant?’ she asked, calmly but even she could hear the rage simmering underneath.

Or perhaps it was grief.

‘With all due respect Captain, there’s eight of them and one of us…’ he said quietly. ‘And I think what we just saw was pretty clear.’

‘I don’t care, Lieutenant,’ she snapped. ‘You will do as I say.’

‘Captain, I believe what you are asking of the Lieutenant is impossible,’ Tuvok stepped forward. ‘My advice would be to escape from their space.’

She knew the gaze that met Tuvok’s eyes was cold, but she couldn’t understand her crew’s inability to follow her command.

Chakotay always did what she asked.

Chakotay had always done…

The tears took over and she felt her legs collapse beneath her, as though they were controlled directly by her heart that she could feel shattering to pieces inside her chest.

Someone was there beside her, arms around her, asking if she was okay.

She could hear them but she couldn’t register what they were saying.

Chakotay was gone.

And as though the thought was too much for her system to handle, she blacked out.

 


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

_Six Weeks Earlier_

* * *

 

Chakotay entered her quarters, bottle of wine he had picked up on a local planet in hand. She smiled as she saw it.

‘I see someone hit up the market yesterday,’ she commented.

‘I even got some fresh ingredients to cook dinner with if you’re free tomorrow evening,’ he smiled, placing the wine on the already laid out table.

‘Two nights in a row?’ she questioned, taking a seat.

He knew it was going to sound too eager, although if he was honest he’d rather have dinner with her every night than eat what Neelix cooked up. As far as he was concerned it was replicator rations keeping them from doing that, not anything else.

‘Nothing wrong with two senior officers debriefing over dinner after work each day,’ he took a seat as he poured them each a glass.

She smiled. ‘You had that one worked out already, didn’t you?’

He shrugged in response, shooting her a smile rather than giving her a proper response.

Because while they were joking, it was a joke very much based in truth.

‘Well, I could invite Tuvok over instead…’

‘I’ll be there, Commander,’ she cut him off, picking up her glass. ‘Cheers.’

‘To good health and good fortune,’ he held his glass up as well.

She laughed at him, leaning back in her seat. ‘Good health is up to the Doctor. Good fortune is up to fate.’

‘Perhaps,’ he responded, leaning forward on the table. ‘Or perhaps it’s a state of mind.’

‘How much of this wine did you drink before coming over here, Commander?’ she joked.

He sighed inwardly.

He hated that, when she called him Commander outside of work related conversations. While he knew it was her way of keeping him at a distance, it ruined his ability to pretend like their weekly, or sometimes more frequent, dinners were anything more than just friendship.

‘Kathryn, I can assure you that I would never drink such good quality wine without your company,’ he shot back, taking a sip before putting it down on the table.

She smiled softly at the use of her first name. Somehow she still seemed surprised when he used it, like it wasn’t a daily occurrence. A daily reminder of them having been stranded on New Earth more than two years earlier.

He had hoped after they returned to Voyager that things would be different between them, and they had in a way, but not in the way he had hoped. They were definitely closer, she didn’t make any decisions without discussing them with him first, and they spent almost all their spare time together either on the holodeck or in one of their quarters.

If he didn’t know better he’d be referring to it as a marriage without the sex.

‘So what do you think of the Ki’jan then?’ she asked, taking a bite of food.

He thought about it for a moment, watching her as she chewed, wondering how such a movement could ever be considered a turn on.

Clearly it had been too long since he had been with anyone.

And even longer since he had been with anyone he genuinely cared about…

‘Chakotay?’

He smiled in response. ‘Sorry, it’s been a long day. They seem lovely and very willing to let us travel through their space, provided that we stick to their rules.’

She raised an eyebrow and he wasn’t sure if it was his delayed response or the mention of rules that she was reacting to.

‘Their rules?’ she asked.

‘We’re only allowed to stop off at particular planets, we have to take the course they suggest and we have to have one of them on board the whole time,’ he took a bite of his food, trying to distract himself from watching her.

‘Interesting,’ she muttered. ‘Well, I’ll trust your judgement, but I would like to meet this temporary resident before agreeing to allow them to stay.’

‘That’s what I told them,’ he replied, smiling.

She returned the smile, then laughed quietly. ‘Of course you did.’

Picking up her wine glass she took a large sip from it. He put his fork down, watching her, wondering exactly what thoughts she was trying to drown out with the alcohol.

‘You know that’s the real thing, not synthehol, it may be a little stronger than we’re used to,’ he laughed.

She placed the glass down on the table. ‘Then you better drink faster, Commander, or you’ll get left behind.’

He hesitated for a moment.

Was she…flirting?

Not wanting to look a gift-horse in the mouth he finished off his glass and poured them both another one. This time making sure they were poured slightly closer to the top.

She didn’t make any comment on how full her glass was, but she did smile as she took the glass back.

‘Is everything alright, Kathryn?’ he wasn’t sure why he asked it.

Just a feeling.

Something wasn’t quite right.

Her subsequent sigh as she looked up at him confirmed his suspicions. Something was definitely going through her mind.

‘I thought we might actually get home,’ she said quietly. ‘Just for a moment, but a moment was long enough for me to start imagining what that would be like, for everyone. I saw Tom reunited with Admiral Paris, introducing both his parents to B’Elanna. I imagined B’Elanna being horrified at meeting Tom’s parents. I thought about Tuvok seeing his family again, how they would all refuse to show how happy it actually made them to see each other. I thought about introducing Seven to her aunt. Harry Kim returning to his parents’ arms. How I could be happy that I had fixed my mistake before too much damage was done. That this would all be over for everyone.’

‘And for yourself? What did you see?’ he asked quietly.

He felt like she had purposely left out her feelings about what she would be returning to, having recently discovered that Mark had married someone else, and knowing her sister would demand she leave Starfleet before they lost her again.

He knew her excitement about getting home always had a lot more to do with righting her wrong than actually getting home.

Although he had a sneaking hope that there was one thing she was looking forward to…

‘I saw myself taking my dog back from Mark,’ she laughed.

‘And then?’ he asked softly.

‘I’m not sure. I guess going home to see my mother,’ she was avoiding looking him in the eye.

He watched her for a moment, trying to figure out if his suspicions were at all founded in possible reality, or if they were just his wishes that he was projecting onto her.

He knew better than to ask, but if she brought it up he wasn’t going to let it go.

‘And I guess it would mean I could allow myself some luxuries,’ she took another sip of wine. ‘Pursuing a relationship perhaps.’

He froze.

Oh she was going to bring that up?

He took a large swig of wine while he thought through his next move. He knew she had pushed the idea away many times, but perhaps all she needed was actual hope that she was returning home to really let the idea sink in.

Did he respond?

Yes.

Respond.

He placed the glass on the table.

‘You know, you don’t have to wait until you’re home for that,’ he spoke quietly, a soft smile playing on his lips.

She raised her eyes to meet his - curiosity, hope and fear playing some kind of game in them as she searched his eyes.

‘Did you want dessert?’ she asked. ‘I’ve replicated a wonderful apple pie with ice cream.’

‘Kathryn…’

His warning voice was lost on her as she made her way quickly over to the Replicator to avoid the topic she had brought up.

Taking a large sip of wine for encouragement, he followed her.

She seemed surprised when she turned to find him standing directly behind her.

‘You can’t bring it up and then run away,’ he whispered.

She seemed frozen in place, the apple pie in her hands preventing either of them from getting any closer to each other.

He took the plate from her, placing the apple pie on the table, then turning around and taking her hands in his before she could run away again.

‘Chakotay…’ she whispered a warning, and he wasn’t sure if it was to him or to herself.

‘I don’t understand,’ he replied. ‘You’ve obviously thought about it, you invite me over for private candlelit dinners, we spend most of our holodeck time together…’

‘It’s not about what I want,’ she replied cautiously, although he felt her hands relax and her fingers lightly squeeze his. ‘It’s about compromising my position as Captain.’

‘Then we make a promise to each other, the moment it begins to affect our work we call it off,’ he replied.

She searched his eyes for a moment, trying to see through him. And then she laughed slightly.

‘I never would have even consider this before meeting you,’ she whispered, letting go of his hands to place one hand lightly on his chest.

‘But?’ he asked, hopeful.

He took her hand with both of his and softly brought it up to his lips, kissing it lightly to gauge a reaction from her.

She smiled, her eyes tearing up slightly, and the look was so familiar.

Then he remembered.

New Earth.

And all those feelings he had spent years trying to push away came flooding in at once and without even thinking about it he leaned in and kissed her. It took him a few moments to realise what he’d done, but before he could pull away he felt her hands snake behind his neck, pulling him closer, her lips hungrily kissing him back.

What was he doing?

What was _she_ doing?

They both seemed to realise at the same moment what had happened and they sprung apart like an electric bolt had shocked them.

‘My apologies, Captain,’ he spoke hurriedly, trying to compose himself. ‘That was entirely inappropriate of me…’

He wondered if he should leave.

Yes, he should definitely leave.

He looked at her.

She didn’t look much like she wanted him to leave and he stopped.

‘You haven’t had dessert,’ she said quietly, sitting back down at the table.

Really?

She wanted to sit down and finish dinner?

Well…she was in charge.

He sat down opposite her and watched as she cut him a slice of apple pie, putting it on his plate, avoiding his gaze.

He reached out and touched her hand lightly before she could take it away.

‘Kathryn, do you want this?’ he asked. ‘Because I do, more than anything, but if you don’t then I’ll step back, I won’t push it any further…’

She pulled her hand away from his slowly, then cut herself a piece of apple pie.

She was thinking.

But he had no idea what.

‘If you want me to go…’ he started again, the silence making him uncomfortable.

‘We still have half a bottle of wine to finish off,’ she cut him off.

Now he was confused. She didn’t want to talk about it, but she wasn’t going to let him go?

He watched her as she avoided making eye contact, her entire concentration focused on her apple pie consumption. And after a few moments he chuckled.

She looked up at him, confused.

‘What?’ she asked, a smile playing on the corners of her lips.

‘Are we really going to pretend nothing just happened?’ he asked, now that he had her attention.

She smiled softly, leaning back in her chair. ‘Chakotay, I’m trying to process what just happened. But you’re not going to leave it alone are you?’

‘No,’ he responded instantly. ‘I don’t want to leave it alone.’

She considered her next words carefully, looking him deliberately in the eye as she spoke.

‘Good. Neither do I.’

‘So where does that leave us?’ he asked.

She didn’t respond for a moment and he was afraid she was going to try and distract him with more apple pie. Instead she stood up.

‘Computer, play Triste Coeur by Paul de Senneville,’ she said quietly, holding out a hand to him.

He took it, surprised how beautiful the piano music was when it came on, and even more surprised when he thought about the translation of the title.

‘You know your heart doesn’t have to be sad,’ he whispered as he pulled her closer to him and began to dance.

She looked up at him, smiling slightly. ‘Convince me this is worth it, Chakotay.’

‘I thought that’s what I was doing,’ he replied. ‘I don’t know what else you need me to convince you of…’

‘I need to know I won’t lose you,’ she whispered, leaning her head against his chest as they swayed to the music.

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer, not quite understanding what she was saying.

‘Kathryn, there’s no one else I care for aboard this ship…’ he said quietly. ‘There’s no one else in the universe I’ve ever cared for the way I care about you.’

She pulled back a little and looked up at him, surprised.

He narrowed his eyes at her.

‘That’s not what you meant…’ he realised.

‘No, but it was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me…’ she responded softly.

‘Then what?’ he asked.

She smiled. ‘There’s someone you remind me of…’

She pulled away from him and he watched as she stood in front of the window, crossing her arms defensively across her chest, staring out at the stars.

‘Oh?’ he replied, unsure where she was going with this story.

‘He died,’ she said simply. ‘Along with my father…’

She turned back to look at him.

He understood her fear all of a sudden.

‘You’re afraid I’ll die,’ he said quietly. ‘But I could die anyway. At any moment. We all could. That’s the risk of being in Starfleet.’

‘And that’s why I swore I would never fall for another Starfleet officer,’ she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. ‘And why I’ve tried so hard to push you away.’

He took a couple of steps towards her, placing his hands on her arms, reassuring her.

And he smiled.

‘If it makes you feel better, technically I’m a Maquis Captain,’ he joked.

It worked.

She laughed in response, then looked up at him again.

This time he saw the walls come down completely.

And he leaned in, kissing her again.

This time neither of them pulled away.

 


	3. Chapter 3

She opened her eyes to see the Doctor and Tom Paris hovering over her. It took her a moment to remember why she was in the sickbay, and the moment she did she rolled to one side and threw up on the ground next to her bed.

Embarrassed at her inability to hold in her emotions she closed her eyes and held her hand up to her forehead.

‘My apologies, Doctor,’ she said quietly.

‘Yes, you appear to be having quite the physical reaction to what just occurred. Although it’s not surprisingly, given your close working relationship with Commander Chakotay,’ the Doctor said matter-of-factly. ‘I suppose I will clean this up. I’m sure Lieutenant Paris can get you up to date.’

She watched as the Doctor wandered away, the sinking feeling in her stomach taking over her ability to think or control anything that she did.

Part of her was beyond annoyed at Paris for disobeying her instructions, although now the Red Alert was over she knew that he had been right to refuse her orders.

‘Ma’am…’ he said cautiously. ‘I know that I…’

‘Is he really dead?’ she whispered, sitting up to look Paris in the eye.

She didn’t need him to answer, she could see it in his expression.

‘We ran scans of the ship, there were no human life signs…’

She waved her hand to cut him off.

‘Thank you, Lieutenant. If you’d excuse me, I would rather be alone.’

She tried to stand up but he pushed her back down on the table, holding out a padd in his hand. She wanted to grab it from him and throw it across the room.

‘I think you should read this,’ he said quietly.

‘I’m fine, Lieutenant. I’m just in shock,’ she replied.

‘Actually, I think it’s more than that,’ he spoke carefully. ‘I hid the results from the Doctor so they wouldn’t be recorded in the ship’s system without your knowledge, but Captain, is there any chance you could be pregnant?’

Her eyes snapped up to glare at him.

‘Excuse me?’

He held his hands up defensively. ‘I’m not accusing you of anything, but when I scanned you earlier, the results came back positive…’

She snatched the padd from him and looked at it.

Her insides froze.

_Pregnant?_

No she had just had her period.

She thought about it for a few moments.

No.

No she hadn’t.

She put her hand up to her mouth, calculating in her head.

The data in front of her said it clearly.

Six weeks pregnant.

‘Get out,’ she handed the padd back to Tom. ‘And delete that from all records.’

He hesitated for a moment, as though he wanted to say something else.

‘Now, Tom,’ she snapped.

The use of his first name seemed to do the trick. She watched as he deleted the data from the padd, handing it back to her so she could check, and walked out of sickbay.

The Doctor reappeared as Lieutenant Paris disappeared.

‘I don’t know what the point in having an assistant is if they keep running back to the Bridge instead of doing their sickbay duties,’ the Doctor muttered.

Without another word, she stood up and walked past the Doctor, unsure of where she was heading but knowing she didn’t want to be in the sickbay a moment longer. She didn’t want to be near any equipment that could confirm or deny what Paris had just told her.

She heard the Doctor call after her, but she didn’t care.

 

* * *

 

 

She stepped out of the turbolift onto the Bridge. She hadn’t even considered going anywhere else. She had to see the scans for herself. Maybe they had read them wrong, maybe there was some kind of error in the data.

The moment she appeared everyone stood up a little straighter, Tuvok stepping out to block her path.

‘Captain, I believe it would be wise if you returned to your quarters at this time,’ Tuvok commanded.

She could hear some hint of concern underneath his tone, but it annoyed her more than anything. She was the Captain, they were in trouble and it was her job to lead them.

Her eyes fell to the viewscreen. Space void of anything but distant stars looking back at her.

‘Where are they?’ she asked. ‘The Ki’jan?’

Anger took over as she felt the panic rising in her.

Had they _left_ him?

Not only allowed him to die over some stupid misunderstanding between their races, but also left his body out there?

‘I made the call to leave their space until you were well enough to…’

She cut him off, the anger flaring out of her uncontrollably. ‘What if he’s not dead?’

‘We scanned the vessel…’

‘That’s not enough, Tuvok,’ she snapped. ‘We don’t just leave people behind.’

‘People, or Chakotay?’ Tuvok responded.

She glared at his stoic face, unable to read the intention behind his words. What was he insinuating? Her eyes stung, but not from tears, from the rage streaming through her. Tuvok was meant to be her friend. The only close friend she had left on this ship and here he was, judging her, second guessing her command decisions?

Then she hesitated, suddenly aware of all the eyes focused on her.

She glanced slowly around the room at the wary faces, realising that staying there to retrieve Chakotay’s body could have resulted in more of her crew’s lives being lost.

Slowly turning back to face Tuvok, she whispered.

‘Are you sure?’ she asked. ‘Are you sure he’s gone?’

‘I wish I could tell you otherwise, Captain,’ Tuvok said, as softly as she had ever heard him speak. ‘I suggest that you return to your quarters for the evening and we discuss this after you have rested.’

‘What if they come after us?’ she asked, the Captain part of her kicking in, feeling the need to have some kind of control of the situation, of herself.

‘Their issue was with Commander Chakotay, therefore I suspect that they will leave us alone should we stay clear of their space,’ Tuvok replied. ‘If there is any attack, you will be the first to know of it.’

Thankful that Tuvok was so level headed, so Vulcan, she finally accepted he was right.

She nodded slowly.

‘I’m sorry, Commander,’ she said quietly. ‘You have the Bridge.’

She held her head high as she walked back to the turbolift, only allowing the tears to cloud her vision the moment the doors closed behind her.

 

* * *

 

She didn’t want to be in her quarters.

Instead she found herself standing outside his door. Unsure why she was there, she pressed the button and the door slid open.

This was why she hadn’t wanted to let him in, she couldn’t be in this situation.

And she felt the tears pushing at the back of her eyes as she walked around his quarters, lightly touching the things that were a part of him. It didn’t feel real. She couldn’t believe he was gone, she refused to believe it.

And _pregnant_.

She wandered into his bedroom, looking at his neatly made bed.

She couldn’t fight the tears anymore and within moments she could barely see what was in front of her, the dull ache in her chest becoming a stabbing pain that quickly spread through each part of her body, engulfing every organs, every muscle, suffocating her and reminding her that she was very much living her own worst nightmare.

Unable to gasp for air she lay down on his bed, taking in his scent that still lingered there, hoping that would be enough to ground her, bring her back to reality.

She clutched at the blanket, pulling it up to be closer to her, as though at some point it was going to magically become him and all of her pain would go away.

‘Damnit, Chakotay.’

She tried to shout it, but it barely came out as a croaked whisper.

Then her eyes fell on it. There was a photo on his bedside table, of the two of them, they were joking around. She remembered Neelix taking it on one of their earlier away missions and she wondered how long he’d had it sitting there in a frame by his bedside table.

She reached out and grabbed it, looking at the photo. She didn’t think she had a single other photo of her looking that happy.

Except now this was all she had.

How could this happen to her again?

She had sworn she wasn’t going to let this happen, yet here she was.

And her tears again became uncontrollable sobbing.

 

* * *

 

Tom entered Engineering, watching B’Elanna as she rushed from station to station, seeming to do more than he knew she was actually doing. Trying to have a hand in everyone else’s tasks, making sure that her mind didn’t have a moment to wander.

He wanted to check how she was dealing with the news. As usual in the face of death she hadn’t shown any sign of reaction to him, but he knew it would be there, and from the way she was behaving now he knew she was trying to avoid it.

She was just really good at hiding her feelings from everyone and then beating herself up in private.

Sometimes literally.

He also didn’t know how to process the information that he had just received.

There was only one possibility for who the father could be and he felt his heart breaking for the Captain, knowing what she must be going through.

Although given her reaction to what had happened, there was no chance that the rest of the crew hadn’t already figure out how she felt about Chakotay.

Tom grabbed B’Elanna’s arm, pulling her away from a console she looked like she was about to slam her fist into.

‘Hey you,’ he said quietly.

She pulled her arm away from him, ‘I’m working, Tom.’

‘I know asking if you’re okay is a stupid question, but is there anything I can do to help?’ he asked her.

Her eyes flashed with irritation before she sighed and took his hand.

‘I need some time to be able to answer that question,’ she replied. ‘How’s the Captain holding up?’

He shook his head slowly, glancing around. No one else was in earshot, but just to be certain he guided B’Elanna out of Engineering and into the hallway before continuing their conversation.

‘Do you have any reason to believe that the Captain and Chakotay may have been in a relationship?’

B’Elanna looked surprised.

That answered his question.

‘A relationship?’ she scoffed. ‘The Captain? I doubt it. Whatever Chakotay might have felt for her, I don’t think she would ever let him in…’

B’Elanna paused.

‘Why are you asking?’ she questioned.

‘Why else would she react like that?’

‘You said it yourself, Tom, she’s exhausted…’

B’Elanna stopped.

‘What are you not telling me?’ she asked.

He knew he shouldn’t have brought it up. While he was an excellent liar, somehow he could never lie to B’Elanna. The same way she couldn’t lie to him.

‘Computer, can you let me know Captain Janeway’s whereabouts?’ he asked.

‘ _Captain Janeway is in Commander Chakotay’s quarters.’_

He looked at B’Elanna, not needing to say another word. He watched B’Elanna’s face go through all the emotions he had had in sick bay less than an hour earlier.

‘Do we go to her?’ B’Elanna asked.

He shook his head slowly. ‘She’ll come to us when she’s ready.’

B’Elanna nodded and Tom pulled her into a hug, resting his head on top of hers, unsure if he was comforting her or himself.

‘And you promise me you’ll do the same when you’re ready, okay?’ he added, pulling her closer.

She didn’t reply and he knew that she wouldn’t.

He hadn’t expected her to, but he wanted her to know he was there for her when she did want him around.

 

* * *

 

 B’Elanna smashed her fist into the boxing bag for what could have been the hundredth time in a row, feeling her bare knuckles beginning to bleed from the repetition.

There was a ding to alert her to her holodeck time being over and she sighed, stepping back from the bag.

‘Computer, turn on safety protocols and end program.’

She grabbed her bag and stormed out of the holodeck, past a rather confused looking Harry Kim, who seemed about to ask her something then decided better of it.

Storming back into her quarters, she threw her bag on the ground and slammed her fist into the wall.

‘Damnit Chakotay, how dare you die,’ she screamed at nothing.

Part of her wanted to run to Tom, to be in his arms and cry about this, but she knew that it would be better if she just got out all of her anger before putting Tom into any kind of situation where he could end up bruised, or worse.

She stepped into the sonic shower, determinedly trying to scrub the blood off her fists before anyone noticed it.

There was only so long she was going to be able to explain her injuries as Engineering accidents before someone started looking back through the reports.

Although given the general mood on the ship, there was a good chance no one was going to take any notice of her for a good long while.

Closing her eyes she tried to think of any way that Chakotay could still be alive, replaying the scene over and over in her head.

But then Harry’s words echoed in her mind.

‘ _There are no human life signs on board…’_

Followed by Tuvok’s command to leave the area immediately.

And she thought about the Captain collapsing on the Bridge. It seemed so out of character for her to let her emotions overwhelm her like that.

Maybe Tom was right.

But surely Chakotay would have told her if he and the Captain were in a relationship? They had been friends, hadn’t they? She told him everything about her relationship with Tom, despite the fact that some of it was probably better if the ship’s First Officer didn’t know…

As she stepped out of the sonic shower and got dressed into her nightwear she had a thought.

‘Computer, what is Captain Janeway’s current location?’

‘ _Captain Janeway is currently in Commander Chakotay’s quarters.’_

B’Elanna froze.

Still?

And suddenly she knew Tom was right and her heart broke for the Captain. B’Elanna had for a long time harboured her own crush on Chakotay, but their relationship had definitely become one of friendship over the years, and while she was devastated by his death, if it had been Tom…

 

* * *

 

B’Elanna entered Chakotay’s quarters without asking for permission. If the Captain was mad about it then she would have to explain why she had done the same.

The living area was empty.

‘Captain?’ she called out.

Strange.

She was about to leave when her eyes fell on the bedroom. She took a few steps over to the door and froze in her spot.

Glancing in she saw Captain Janeway asleep on his bed, clutching at the blankets and holding a framed photo of the two of them.

B’Elanna didn’t think she had ever seen something so heartbreaking in her life. The strong woman she looked up to was curled up, completely broken hearted, clutching onto something she had no way to get back.

She didn’t want to disturb her, and felt as though it would probably be better for everyone if she didn’t think anyone had ever seen her in this position.

So she turned and left, wondering if it was possible that they were wrong.

What if he was alive?

 


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

_Six Weeks Earlier_

* * *

 

 

He hoped that her sneaking out of his quarters in the early hours and already being in her Ready Room when he arrived on the Bridge that morning only meant that she was doing her best to hide what had happened from the crew…

Not from herself.

He sat on the Bridge for probably forty minutes, waiting for her to appear, pretending to pay attention to whatever scientific discovery Seven had handed him that morning on a padd, but she never appeared.

He considered his options – act like everything was entirely normal, hand in his usual late-morning report, pretending like nothing had happened…

Or he could break the mould, make it known to her that he wasn’t intending to let this go so easily.

‘Good morning, Mister Chakotay, could I offer you a slice of cake?’

He glanced up to see Neelix holding out a tray of cake slices and frowned, slightly confused. ‘Now I’m concerned about who’s birthday I’m forgetting…’

Neelix grinned back at him. ‘No birthday, sir! Just a simple celebration of life!’

‘Well that’s a relief,’ Chakotay smiled back at him. ‘I’d love a slice of cake.’

Beaming with pride, Neelix handed him a slice, then hesitated, glancing at the Ready Room.

‘Is the Captain busy?’ he asked. ‘I wouldn’t want to intrude uninvited.’

‘You know what?’ Chakotay said. ‘I have to take in this report to her anyway, so I can bring her a slice.’

‘This isn’t just some plot to get a second slice, is it Commander?’ Neelix joked, holding out a second plate.

‘You know me too well Neelix, but I think the Captain would have my head if I ate her share,’ he joked back, standing up and heading for the Ready Room.

He was glad for Neelix distracting the rest of the crew as he hesitated at her door. This was ridiculous, he had been brave enough the night before to fight for her affection, and here he was terrified to go in and do his job.

And now he’d been standing there just a moment too long to go back on what he’d said to Neelix.

He took an extra moment in case someone felt the need to call him away, and when they didn’t, he pressed the chime.

‘Come in,’ her voice carried through the door.

He stepped in, glancing over at the desk he expected her to be seated in. To his surprise she was sitting by the window, a cup of tea in one hand and a padd in the other.

‘Good morning,’ she said quietly, a soft smile playing across her lips.

He noted the lack of rank. That was a good sign.

‘Neelix wanted me to bring you in some cake,’ he made his way up to where she was sitting, placing the cake down on the table in front of her.

He considered taking a seat next to her on the sofa, but instead opted for the singular chair, not wanting to overstep the boundaries they had so completely destroyed the night before.

Somehow he understood though that no matter what she was thinking, the Ready Room would be off-limits.

The crew couldn’t be walking in on them in any compromising circumstances.

‘Who’s birthday am I forgetting?’ she asked suspiciously.

‘I asked the same thing, but apparently this cake is just to celebrate being alive,’ he smiled, taking a bite of his.

‘And worth celebrating that is,’ she replied.

Her eyes were focused on the cake as she picked at it with her fork, but he watched her closely. There was a slight flush to her cheeks, the corners of her lips were tilted up into a smile and as she looked up at him he noted the glint of joy in her eyes.

‘Don’t you agree, Chakotay?’ she finished off quietly.

He felt the corners of his mouth mimic hers, her smiling infecting him as the relief washed over him. Everything about this conversation seemed to indicate that the night before hadn’t been a mistake, hadn’t been a once off.

If it had, she would have cut it off already.

‘Are you still up for a freshly cooked meal tonight?’ he asked.

He hated that despite her calm demeanour, he still felt nervous asking her the question. His stomach seemed to ball up and jump somewhere into his chest as the nerves took over.

What if she said no?

Why hadn’t she answered already?

‘Of course,’ she replied simply, then frowned for a moment. ‘Are you?’

‘Yes,’ he replied instantly.

She laughed.

‘Was I too eager?’ he smiled as he spoke.

‘A little,’ she responded, leaning back in her seat, still laughing to herself.

It took all of his willpower not to grab her and kiss her then and there, but he knew that would be completely crossing the line. If he wanted this to work he would have to make sure he didn’t break any regulations during shift.

Even if all he could think about was her pale arm dangling lightly over his torso as she breathed in heavily, fast asleep.

He had barely slept, choosing instead to lie awake and watch her in the dim light of her quarters.

He’d wanted to remember every moment of that night, and he had felt like if he closed his eyes maybe she would disappear, maybe he’d realise he’d dreamt it all.

Sitting here with her now he knew it was real.

‘Coffee?’ she asked, as if reading his mind.

‘I’d love one,’ he replied, smiling.

She picked up the jug to pour him a cup and nothing came out. Raising an eyebrow she seemed to think for a moment.

‘You know, I haven’t had a chance to brew any yet this morning,’ she said, seeming slightly confused.

‘You haven’t had a chance?’ he asked. ‘Are you feeling okay?’

‘Better than okay,’ she replied softly, walking over to the Replicator. ‘Two coffees, black. One with two sugars.’

She smiled at him as she mentioned the sugars she had teased him for not that long ago. He smiled back at her.

Part of him wanted to be excited, wanted to live in the moment thinking he had finally won their argument, that she would agree to be with him. He didn’t even care what the rules were, as long as there was something for them to have rules about.

But past experience had taught him to be wary, not to assume too much. There was always the chance that she would show up for dinner that night and put her foot down, demand they just be friends.

And even the thought of that hurt him.

The door chime rang and a moment later Tuvok entered without second thought.

They both realised at the same time that they had just been staring at each other, and while he simply took sudden great interest in his slice of cake, the Captain managed to drop both of the coffees on the ground at her feet.

‘Sugar,’ she cursed.

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. ‘Sugar?’

‘It was the first word to come to mind,’ she responded.

Chakotay allowed himself to look back at her as she spoke, noting the red tinge to her cheeks, the flustered look she had around her.

‘Are you feeling alright, Captain? Your face seems rather pink,’ Tuvok observed.

This only served to make her face become even stronger in colour.

‘I’m fine, Tuvok, just a little embarrassed by my own clumsiness,’ she stepped over the spilt coffee and stood in front of Tuvok. ‘So, what have you brought me?’

‘Seven’s reports on the area of space we would have to traverse should we not pass directly through the Ki’jan territory,’ Tuvok held out the padd.

She began to read it with great curiosity. Normally Chakotay would have made his way to her side, read the display over her shoulder, but he knew given the situation it would be best if he kept his distance from her for the time being.

Also he wasn’t sure he could be that close to her at that moment and pay any attention to the information Tuvok was presenting.

A moment later she turned and handed him the padd. He nodded a thanks and glanced over the schematics.

They could go around, but it would add some time to their journey, and it would put them in an area with known hostile species who were at war with each other.

Although he suspected they could avoid them, he didn’t see any reason not to pass directly through the Ki’jan space.

‘Thank you, Commander,’ she said quietly.

For a moment he thought she was addressing him, then realised she was speaking to Tuvok, who took the hint and left the room as quietly as he had arrived.

Sometimes Chakotay suspected that the Vulcan knew more about their relationship than he was letting on.

She turned to face him.

‘So? What do you think?’ she asked.

‘I think you definitely should have had more sleep last night,’ he smiled cheekily as he said it, standing up and handing the padd back to her. ‘Wasting coffee, something I never thought I’d see Captain Janeway do…’

‘About the Ki’jan,’ she replied, amused but needing him to know it was time for work. ‘Is it worth following their rules for a few weeks?’

‘I’d rather follow the rules of a seemingly reasonable species, than risk getting caught up in a war between two worlds that we can’t involve ourselves in without breaking the Prime Directive,’ he responded.

‘Then let’s set up a meeting with this Lieutenant R’luy and make sure he’s not going to cause us any troubles, then we can start on our journey,’ she replied, putting her hand lightly on his arm. ‘Hopefully in time to enjoy dinner in peace tonight.’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ he smiled.

And resisting the urge to bring up the night before he turned to head back to the bridge.

‘Oh, and Chakotay?’ she said before he reached the door.

He paused, turning to look at her. ‘Yes, Kathryn?’

‘I hope you have more of that wine,’ she said simply.

‘Yes ma’am,’ he replied.

The smile that he held on his lips as he re-entered the Bridge was entirely involuntary. She was actually going to let this happen, properly.

 

* * *

 

Kathryn blinked a few times as Captain Uri spoke. He had a loud, abrasive voice, and a personality to match it. She didn’t care much for him and was very glad it was Lieutenant R’luy who would be accompanying them through Ki’jan space, not his Captain.

‘I hope you understand that we have to be careful as we do not wish to get involved in the war of our neighbours,’ Captain Uri was explaining. ‘Our borders are strongly guarded to avoid any influx of refugees ready to take their fight to us.’

She frowned slightly. ‘Surely you understand that the refugees are simply trying to flee the violence you hate so much?’

‘Of course, but there is plenty of space for them to occupy that isn’t already settled,’ Captain Uri defended himself.

She wanted to argue the point further, uncomfortable with the insinuation that they were above helping others, in case it affected them, then she felt Chakotay’s leg press lightly against hers as he leaned forward on the briefing table.

‘I believe what Captain Janeway is trying to explain is that in our experience, refugees have always done far more good for a community than damage,’ he spoke calmly.

While she was appreciative of his ability to stay calm during such disagreements, it would be much easier for her to think if he would just move his leg maybe a millimetre to the right. She was entirely sure he had done it intentionally to indicate to her he was about to speak, and it was something he had probably done a thousand times that she had never thought about before.

But now?

Now it was taking all of her energy to stop herself from imagining his tanned skin against hers, his lips slowly making their way down her neck, the way his fingers had –

‘Captain?’

She blinked a few times and looked up at Lieutenant R’luy’s smiling face.

‘Yes, sorry Lieutenant, I missed that last part,’ she could feel her cheeks turning red.

This was why she had refused for so long to let her feelings win. It was a distraction, and not just a minor one.

Chakotay moved his leg away from hers, as though he had suddenly registered it was still there, and she wasn’t sure whether to be thankful to him for removing it, or slap him for leaving it there so long.

‘I was just telling Commander Chakotay that I completely understand your disagreement with our ways, but I would love to show you both the worlds that we have resettled the refugees from both sides of the war on,’ he smiled at her.

He was a charming guy, and a day earlier she might have fallen for the charming smile. The Ki’jan were humanoid, dark orange eyes and jet black hair making them quite striking to look at. However, she was so distracted by the charm of the person sitting next to her that she barely even registered the Lieutenant’s good looks.

‘I can assure you that they’re perfectly happy with the solution,’ R’luy finished.

The impatient and crass Captain Uri stood up with no warning, so Janeway and Chakotay jumped to their feet as to not be disrespectful to their guests.

‘So are we at agreement? Lieutenant R’luy will remain on your ship for the duration of your travel through our space and you will abide by our laws and the rules we have set out?’ he asked.

She glanced at Chakotay, wanting to make sure she had his approval before she shook hands with this unlikeable man.

He nodded slightly.

‘It’s a deal, Captain,’ she replied, holding her hand out.

He didn’t take it, instead nodding his head and leaving the room. Janeway was confused for a moment, then R’yul took her hand instead.

‘My apologies, in our culture shaking hands like this is part of a mating ritual, and not something that should be performed between strangers,’ there was that charming smile again. ‘But I assume in your world it is a sign of agreement on a deal?’

‘You assume correctly, Lieutenant,’ she replied. ‘And I’m sorry if I have offended your Captain.’

‘Not at all, he’s a stickler for the rules, refuses to learn from other cultures. Our people aren’t fond of other species, as you may have noticed,’ he kissed her hand before letting go. ‘But perhaps we can better get to know each other’s cultures while I am on board. I’m an anthropologist by trade.’

She could almost feel Chakotay stiffen next to her as he slowly folded his arms across his chest, standing up slightly taller. She recognised the jealousy and smiled at it.

Unfortunately the smile seemed to reach R’yul before she was able to wipe it from her face and she saw his eyes light up.

‘I believe there are guest quarters for me?’ he asked.

‘Of course,’ Janeway replied, hitting her commbadge. ‘Janeway to Ensign Kim.’

‘ _Here, ma’am,’_ Kim replied.

‘Can I get you to escort our new guest to his quarters?’

She smiled at R’yul, although this time trying to make sure it was a professional smile.

‘Thank you, ma’am,’ he spoke softly, then headed out the door of the briefing room.

Harry Kim was waiting on the other side.

She took a deep breath and turned to face Chakotay. His arms were still crossed and he looked unamused.

‘You know jealousy suits you,’ she teased.

It worked. He relaxed slightly, unfolding his arms and leaning against the table.

‘I’m sorry, I know it’s stupid, I didn’t even realise…’

She laughed, half sitting on the table next to him and resting her hand against his. ‘So what do you think of Captain Uri?’

‘Well…’ he hesitated. ‘He's a little racist.’

‘A little?’ she scoffed.

‘Very,’ he laughed. ‘While I thought they were friendly when we first met them, I feel now like they’re only allowing us passage because we look like them. And I’d definitely like to find out more about their refugee resettlement programs. I know we shouldn’t interfere, but something feels off to me.’

‘I agree entirely,’ she replied. ‘Given how they treat other races around here, their agreement with us seems far too easy. I'll suggest to Tuvok that we have the Lieutenant watched 24/7.’

He hesitated for a moment, then stood up straight.

‘I guess I should get back to work,’ he said. ‘I’ll see you at 2000 hours?’

She nodded softly and watched as he left.

It was nice, this feeling, and while the idea of being in any kind of romantic relationship with her First Officer set off a million alarm bells in her Starfleet Captain’s mind, the idea of her being in a relationship with Chakotay seemed like a decision she should have made years earlier.

Maybe having a small distraction wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

Maybe she could even be happy.

She smiled to herself at that thought, then grabbed her belongings and headed back to the bridge.


	5. Chapter 5

It took her a few moments to figure out where she was when she woke up, it looked eerily like her quarters, but everything was in reverse and it smelled like –

Her eyes fell on the photo lying next to her on the empty bed and her stomach lurched.

It was real.

For a few moments she lay there, not wanting to get out of the bed, but knowing that if anyone found her there she was going to have some explaining to do. Although given her reaction yesterday she was sure a good portion of the crew already had their suspicions.

She hated that she had so little control over her emotions. She just wanted to be able to shut them off, to deal with this all in her own time.

Trying to will herself to stand up was the most difficult thing she had ever had to do in her life. She didn’t have Phoebe to drag her out of bed this time, didn’t have a mother to bring her food, and worse, she had an entire crew relying on her to get them out of this mess.

She had to pull herself together.

Closing her eyes she took in a deep breath and stood up.

 _Just one step in front of the other,_ she reminded herself.

Although somehow she heard it in his voice and it almost broke her. How could she do this without him? He had been everything to her for four years and now, when she needed him the most, he wasn’t there.

‘You can do this, Kathryn,’ she said quietly.

It took her another five minutes before she managed to leave his quarters, part of her afraid that someone would see her leaving and part of her afraid to find out what lay ahead, if she would be able to face it all.

She managed to shower and replicated herself a coffee before she hesitated.

‘Computer, how much caffeine are you allowed to consume during pregnancy?’

‘ _It is recommended that pregnant women limit their caffeine consumption to less than one cup of coffee per day.’_

‘One?’ she sighed loudly, putting down her coffee and for the first time looking at her abdomen. ‘I guess Chakotay would kill me if I got you addicted to caffeine before you were born…’

She stopped as she said it, some kind of indescribable emotion taking over. For the first time she let it sink in, she was pregnant. She was going to have Chakotay’s child and he wasn’t going to be there to see it.

He wouldn’t even ever know it had happened.

She placed her hand on the back of a chair for a moment to steady herself.

Then she managed to smile through the tears half-formed in her eyes.

‘Come on, we better get to work,’ she said quietly to her unborn child, realising how ridiculous it would look to anybody else, but needing the comfort of knowing part of him was with her to get her through the day.

 

* * *

 

Tom watched as she walked onto the bridge, the dark cloud that had hung over her the day before had faded and he swore there was almost a slight spring to her step. It took him a few moments to figure out then he realised that she had finally accepted what he had told her in sickbay and he smiled to himself.

‘Captain Janeway, if you wish to take more time…’ Tuvok started.

She held up a finger to cut him off, heading for her seat.

'I want to be here, Commander,' she said simply.

Tom didn’t miss the way her gaze held on the First Officer’s chair as she took her seat and for a moment he thought he saw the clouds gathering again. Then she seemed to drag her eyes away from it and straight to him.

He almost jumped, not having realised how intensely he was observing her.

‘Everything alright, Lieutenant Paris?’ she questioned, her face serious.

‘Everything’s fine, ma’am,’ he said quickly, turning back around.

‘So where are we in space?’

He loaded the map up on the screen for her to look at, suddenly afraid that she was going to blast him if he made a wrong move.

‘We are at the edge of the region that the Ki’jan designated a war zone, although we’re yet to see any signs of war,’ he commented.

The map zoomed in on their location, showing it in relation to the Ki’jan border. Tom turned back around to watch the Captain lean forward in her chair, focusing on something.

‘You know what, Tom?’ she said quietly, a small smile on her face. ‘We’re only a few hours from Uruan.’

‘The refugee settlement?’ he asked, confused.

She leaned back in her chair. ‘I think the Ki’jan have proven themselves unworthy of trust. Don’t you? While we’re here, I’d like to check on the safety of the refugees.’

Tom hesitated for a moment, glancing at Harry.

A little too unsubtly it turned out.

‘Is there a problem?’ she asked.

Tom opened his mouth to ask the question but Harry beat him to it.

‘Doesn’t interfering break the Prime Directive?’ Harry asked.

‘I didn’t order anyone to interfere, Harry, I ordered us to have a look,’ she said quietly, then stood up. ‘If anybody needs me, I’ll be in my Ready Room.’

 

* * *

 

She took a deep breath as the doors closed behind her. She needed this distraction, needed to be able to focus on helping someone, rather than her situation, but she knew it was going to take time before she could face spending more than twenty minutes on the bridge.

Or perhaps even more than five.

Taking the few steps to her desk she took a seat, trying not to look around, trying not to see how everything in this room reminded her of him.

Everything.

How had she never noticed that he spent every possible moment he could here with her in the Ready Room? Then after hours in her quarters? On the holodeck? Had she really been so blind that she hadn’t realised how in love with her he was?

Or had she just not wanted to see it?

Her eyes fell on the coffee set near the window and she almost burst into tears again.

The door chimed and she hurriedly wiped away her tears, not needing anyone on the crew to see how badly this was affecting her.

Although if they hadn’t already figured it out, they would all know about it soon enough.

‘Come in,’ she said, picking up a padd so she could pretend that she had been working.

She was relieved to see that it was Tuvok.

‘I wanted to check on your wellbeing,’ he stated, taking a seat opposite her.

She was surprised, she couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Tuvok take a seat when he had entered her Ready Room.

‘I’m as well as can be after losing an important member of my crew,’ she said quietly. ‘How is everyone else doing?’

‘I believe the crew are rather shaken by the events, particularly Lieutenant Torres,’ he said.

They both fell quiet.

Of course B’Elanna would be upset. Kathryn hadn’t even thought to check on her and she hated herself for that. She made a mental note to check on the Lieutenant once her conversation with Tuvok was complete.

She looked back at Tuvok, ready for some kind of comment on her decision to head to the refugee planet. Instead she saw something that resembled pity in the Vulcan’s face and she let out a small laugh.

‘Do I look so forlorn?’ she asked. ‘It’s okay, Tuvok. I’ll be okay.’

‘I do not doubt it, but it will take time,’ Tuvok said carefully. ‘I know how much Commander Chakotay meant to you.’

Did he? She wondered how much everyone knew. Playing over their time together in her mind, every simple touch of the hand, every stolen glance over the centre console, every moment spent walking around the holodeck arm in arm…

It seemed like everyone but her had figure it out a long time ago.

She let her hand lightly cover her mouth, to prevent herself from letting out a sob, refusing to meet Tuvok’s eyes.

 _Get a grip,_ she reminded herself.

‘I’m sorry…’ she managed an apology without bursting into tears.

‘It is not a problem,’ he replied. ‘Although when you are feeling up to it, we need to discuss funeral arrangements. I believe it will help many of the crew if they are able to say their final goodbyes.’

Funeral arrangements.

‘Not yet,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t yet.’

Tuvok stood up slowly, nodding. ‘When you are ready, I am willing to make the arrangements so you don’t have to deal with it.’

She looked up at her friend and smiled softly. ‘Thank you, Tuvok.’

He nodded one more time and left the room.

She leaned back in her seat, staring blankly at the door, almost as if she watched it long enough he’d come walking through it, smiling, holding out some padd that neither of them really had any interest in.

It wasn’t that either of them hadn’t ever done their job, it was just that every moment he spent in there, smiling, talking, whether about work or something else, it had been more. It had been her reason for getting up in the morning, it had become part of her determination to get them home faster.

She had been afraid to tell him that night when he had asked about her hopes of getting home, but she had seen it so clearly – her stepping out of her final debrief with Starfleet about their trip, him standing there, waiting, a hand stretched out.

In her fantasy he had asked her to come with him, and he had taken her to some beautiful river, where he’d built her a boat. Then as they’d sat in the boat he had asked her to be with him forever and she had accepted.

Now it could never happen.

And she had never even had the chance to tell him that was what she wanted.

She glanced around the room. Everything about him still felt real, like he was still there, like he was coming back.

And for a moment she allowed herself another fantasy.

Of him walking through the door, their child in his arms, smiling and making some joke about her needing to spend more time with her family.

She pushed herself to her feet, needing that idea to leave her mind immediately.

‘Computer, what is Lieutenant Torres’ current location?’

‘ _Lieutenant Torres is currently in Engineering.’_

 

* * *

 

B’Elanna stared at the data in front of her, trying to find a mistake in it. But it seemed pretty clear, one moment Chakotay’s life signs were there, then there was a blast of energy and a few moments later it disappeared.

She frowned at the computer. She had to be missing something. Chakotay couldn’t just be gone, not like that. It wasn’t fair and she refused to believe anything could kill him that easily. They had been in far worse situations before and he had escaped, so…

‘B’Elanna?’

She looked up in surprise at the Captain’s voice calling her by her first name while on duty.

‘Captain!’ she stood up, afraid she was in trouble for something.

‘What are you looking at?’ Janeway asked.

B’Elanna hesitated, unsure if she wanted to show Janeway the information in front of her, but her hesitation was a moment too long and the Captain’s face gave away that she understood what it was.

‘I’m sorry…’ B’Elanna said quietly. ‘If I had known you were coming down here…’

‘Did you find anything?’ Janeway asked, her eyes focused on the screen.

B’Elanna watched her, wanting to tell her how sorry she really was, that she had seen her lying in Chakotay’s bed the night before, heartbroken and that she wanted to fix this. That there had to be a way for her to fix it. That’s what she did. She fixed things.

‘I only just started looking…’ B’Elanna said quietly. ‘I know I’m meant to be working on…’

Janeway waved her hand, cutting her off. ‘It doesn’t feel like he’s gone.’

‘No ma’am,’ B’Elanna replied.

She nodded, folding her arms, and then her eyes finally turned to B’Elanna and she felt her heart break all over again. No matter how hard the Captain was trying to hide her heartbreak she was failing and everything she was feeling was right there in her eyes.

‘How are you?’ Janeway asked her.

B’Elanna was surprised. ‘I’m fine, ma’am. I mean…I’m not, but I’ll be fine.’

Even more to her surprised, the Captain laughed lightly and looked back at the screen before her smile faded again.

‘I just told Tuvok the same lie,’ she admitted.

B’Elanna looked at her Captain in fascination, not entirely sure why she was here having this conversation with her. It wasn’t that they didn’t get along, but they’d never exactly been friends, not the kind who talked about emotions or relationships.

No.

That’s what they had both had Chakotay for.

‘I’m so mad at him,’ B’Elanna admitted quietly.

Janeway smiled to herself. ‘I wish I could be. I’d prefer anger to whatever I’m feeling.’

B’Elanna stopped herself short of telling her it was called ‘heartbreak’, folding her arms to mimic her Captain’s position and watching the other woman barely holding herself together. B’Elanna was impressed that she was out and about at all.

‘You didn’t have to come and check on me,’ B’Elanna said quietly. ‘This has to be hurting you more than anyone…’

‘I don’t have a monopoly on Chakotay’s friendship,’ she replied.

‘No but you’re the only person here he was in love with.’

The words left her mouth before she could stop them and she took a step back in the anticipation of the Captain’s reaction.

Slowly Janeway’s eyes rose up to meet hers and whatever heartbreak she’d thought she’d seen there before was now magnified by ten.

‘Did he tell you that?’ she asked quietly.

‘No ma’am, but…’

‘Then I’d rather you kept your opinions to yourself,’ she snapped.

And with that the Captain turned and stormed away from her. B’Elanna let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding and turned back to her console, her eyes falling on something she hadn’t paid attention to before.

‘Captain!’ she called.

A few moments later the Captain was standing beside her again, this time anger resonating off her silently.

'Yes, Lieutenant?'

‘This energy reading here,’ B’Elanna pointed at the blast. ‘It might not be a weapon…’

She dared a glance at Janeway and watched as her frown turned to curiosity and finally hope. She turned to B’Elanna and looked at her intensely.  

‘Have Seven take a look at this,’ Janeway commanded. ‘I’ll be on the Bridge.’

And with that she was gone.

'Yes, ma'am,' B'Elanna said quietly to herself. 


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

_Six Weeks Earlier_

* * *

 

 

Chakotay glanced at the clocked. It was only 1938, how was time going so slowly? His home cooked meal was laid out in front of him, glasses ready for the wine, candles lit.

And all he had to do was pace around his quarters.

He wondered if maybe he had something nicer to wear than his uniform. Opening his cupboard he glanced as his clothes. A few items of Maquis clothing and some other casual things he had picked up throughout the years.

If he was honest he barely wore any of it because it reminded him of New Earth.

But perhaps that wasn’t such an issue now.

He reached out to grab a shirt he’d not worn since New Earth when he heard his door chime. Had he been standing there so long?

He glanced at the clock.

1946.

Maybe she was early?

He smiled and walked to the door, opening it.

To his surprise, and disappointment, he found Lieutenant R’yul standing on the other side.

‘Lieutenant, how can I help you?’ he asked, curious, and suddenly glad he was still in uniform.

The Lieutenant glanced past him into his quarters and smiled. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you would have dinner plans. I was going to suggest that we get to know each other over a bite to eat, but if you have plans…’

Chakotay wasn’t entirely sure how to respond. It would be rude to turn down the Lieutenant’s invitation, but he had spent hours cooking this dinner specifically for Kathryn and he hadn’t really intended to share it with anyone else.

To his relief, Kathryn appear at that moment and stopped short when she saw his uninvited guest. She was wearing a blue dress that he recognised from New Earth and felt his heart beat just a little faster in his chest. Instantly he could see her sitting in the dirt, tending to her tomatoes and all the plans he'd had for them came flooding back. 

And the fact she had had the same idea as him to dress casually warmed his heart in so many ways.

‘Captain Janeway!’ R’yul greeted her, a smile spreading across his face. 'You look fabulous!'

Chakotay was sure that the irritation on his face was equally as widespread as the Lieutenant's smarmy smile and he noticed the slight look of amusement of Kathryn’s face as she saw it.

‘Lieutenant, I didn’t realise you were joining us for our evening debrief,’ she looked at Chakotay questioningly.

‘The Lieutenant just showed up to invite me to dinner, I thought it only polite that he join us,’ Chakotay suggested.

She nodded and patted their guest on the shoulder. ‘You’re in for a treat, Chakotay is a much better cook than Neelix.’

She brushed past him into his quarters, the Lieutenant following. 

Much to Chakotay’s annoyance, the guest pulled up a seat next to Kathryn. He tried to push the feeling away and smiled at their guest.

‘Wine?’ he asked.

‘Oh I’d love some!’ the Lieutenant replied.

Mostly their chat was just that, idle chit-chat, but Chakotay found himself getting more and more annoyed as the night went on, noticing that despite the fact the Lieutenant had come to ask him to dinner, he was spending all of his time talking to Kathryn.

‘So, is it customary for humans to eat dinner with fire?’ he finally asked Chakotay, indicating the candle in front of him.

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay across the table, smiling slightly, trying to hide her amusement at the awkward silence that followed.

‘It used to be,’ Chakotay commented. 

'And now?' R'yul questioned.

'I guess now it's a tradition some people enjoy,' he continued. 

‘I see,’ R’yul replied. ‘It’s interesting, for the Ki’jan it would be a sign of courtship.’

Kathryn choked on the sip of wine she was halfway through and it was Chakotay’s turn to be amused. R’yul looked at her, slightly confused, as though he was about to ask her a question.

‘You seem to have a lot of rituals around courtship,’ Chakotay cut him off before he could ask anything.

‘Perhaps,’ R’yul responded. ‘It is a keen interest of mine, observing the courtship rituals of other species. Tell me, what would a human courtship entail?’

He looked at Kathryn as he asked the question.

 _Of course_ , Chakotay thought. 

‘Well,’ Kathryn started. ‘Traditionally it would begin with the interested party asking out the person who they fancied to go on a date.’

‘A date, interesting,’ he leaned on the table, watching her. ‘And what would a date entail?’

‘Usually a meal of some kind with just the two of you, in private,’ Chakotay interrupted.

The way Kathryn looked at him told him that his tone had been less than friendly, but he wasn’t entirely sure he cared anymore. He hadn’t wanted this guy in his quarters in the first place, and now he was not only interrupting what was meant to be their first ‘official’ date, but flirting with the one person he had wanted there.

‘So this would be considered a date if I wasn’t here?’ R’yul asked, narrowing his eyes at Chakotay.

‘This would be a business meeting between a Captain and First Officer,’ Kathryn interrupted. ‘But the set-up is similar.’

‘Interesting,’ he leaned back in his chair. ‘So how would you distinguish between a business meeting and a date if the person you were intending to court was a co-worker? How can you be sure that both parties have the same understanding?’

‘I’m not saying it doesn’t get confusing,’ Kathryn laughed. ‘But you can usually tell what someone’s intentions are.’

‘Then you are aware that your Commander is annoyed at my presence because he considered this more than a business meeting?’ R’yul asked.

Chakotay leaned back in his chair, narrowing his eyes at the Lieutenant as he smiled charmingly.  Surely that would be enough for Kathryn to explode at him, to kick him out.

To his surprise, rather than explode, she calmly smiled at their guest.

‘I think you have misread the situation,’ she replied. ‘Chakotay was just hoping for an early night, as was I, given that we have a journey through your space to head on tomorrow.’

Chakotay forced a smile. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve come off rude, Lieutenant. It’s been a long day and Captain Janeway is correct in saying it’s past my bedtime.’

‘I’m sorry for my assumption,’ the Lieutenant replied.

But Chakotay could tell he wasn’t at all sorry, he had said it just to see what reaction they would both have. He was testing them.

Kathryn made the move to leave first, suggesting it was time they all got some rest. She smiled at him sadly as she left his quarters and he knew she wouldn’t be back for the night.

Lieutenant R’yul hesitated in the doorway for a moment, waiting until she was out of sight, then turned back to Chakotay.

He almost muttered an insult out loud, but managed to keep his mouth shut.

‘So if the two of you are not involved, then I guess there’s nothing from stopping me asking the Captain on a date?’ the Ki’jan asked, smiling his charming smile.

It took all of Chakotay’s effort not to hit him in the face right then and there.

‘Except that it would be improper,’ Chakotay responded. ‘Starfleet rules recommend against dating those in your direct chain of command. Anybody on-board Voyager in a work related capacity is under the Captain’s command and cannot be involved with her romantically.’

‘Ah, so you are in love with her, you just can’t be together,’ R’yul smiled. ‘Lucky for me, I’m only a guest on board.’

Chakotay fumed as he watched the Lieutenant walk away.

He shut the door and headed for his bed, doing his best to push away the anger as he glanced at the three seats by the table.

Their esteemed guest had done a great job of ruining what he had planned to be a quiet, romantic evening.

He punched his pillow a few times to try and relieve the anger, then lay down on his back, staring blankly at the ceiling.

He was really starting to hate the Ki’jan.

 

* * *

 

 

The next few days were busy with plans and charts and negotiations about where supplies could be picked up and when and they barely had a moment alone. He wanted to discuss their disastrous dinner with her, to apologise for his behaviour, and make sure that the Lieutenant hadn’t actually pursued any form of ‘courtship’ with her.

But instead he was sitting here, listening to the Lieutenant explain what great conditions the two refugee settlement planets had. One for the Terin and one for the Alonri, so no further drama could occur once they had settled the planets.

‘Would it not be better for the species to learn to coexist?’ Tuvok asked.

Chakotay was glad he had, because he wanted to ask the same thing but had come to the conclusion that it was better if he just didn’t speak around the Lieutenant.

‘We believe that both species are happier when they have their own space that is not under contention,’ R’yul replied.

‘And how close an eye do you keep on the refugee planets?’ Kathryn asked.

‘We check in with them every now and then to make sure their needs are met,’ he smiled at her.

Chakotay rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, wanting to get out of this meeting as fast as possible.

Kathryn caught his eye across the table and smiled at him and he felt some of his irritation melt away. But only a little.

‘Well, thank you for that briefing,’ Kathryn said. ‘You’re all dismissed. Chakotay, a word?’

He hung back and waited for everyone else to leave. The moment the door shut behind the last person she turned to him.

‘Not a fan of our guest?’ she teased him.

‘I don’t like him, he’s far too good at glossing over details, making things appear like they’re not,’ Chakotay replied.

‘And here I thought it was because he interrupted our dinner last week,’ she replied.

‘That too,’ he smiled.

She returned his smile. ‘Well I have no plans for dinner tonight…’

‘I’ll be there the usual time,’ he replied.

‘Good,’ she said, leaving the briefing room.

He watched her go, feeling his heart sink a little. They hadn’t discussed them since that night and he had a nagging feeling in his stomach that she was starting to second guess their relationship…or whatever it was.

And he wasn’t ready to let that go just yet.

Or ever.

He grabbed his things and followed her back out onto the Bridge.

 

* * *

 

 

Their dinner was just like any other, they chatted a little about the ship, about work, about the crew, until finally they had nowhere to go but personal.

‘Is everything okay?’ she asked him quietly from her position on the sofa.

He glanced across at her. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘You’re awfully quiet and sitting rather far away,’ she teased.

He watched her for a moment, the teasing smile on her lips, the way she was swirling her cider in the glass and he started to feel his fears melt away.

‘I wasn’t sure where we stood…’ he admitted. ‘I was so upset over R’yul ruining our dinner last week that I didn’t even stop to think how I was behaving, and I’m sorry. I’m even more sorry if it’s made you have second thoughts…’

‘Second thoughts?’ she seemed surprised.

That was a good sign.

She laughed a little as she leaned forward and took his hand in hers, looking him directly in the eye as she spoke.

‘Chakotay, I’ve thought of nothing but spending another night with you for the last week. It’s taken all my concentration to be able to focus on a word that slimy Lieutenant has said to me,’ she admitted. ‘But you understand that outside of our private quarters’ we can’t let this affect how we behave…’

‘I understand,’ he responded.

‘But?’ she asked quietly, concern hiding in her eyes.

‘The Lieutenant stayed back last week after you left, he accused me of having feelings for you and said he was intending to pursue you himself since I obviously wasn’t intending to act on my feelings and…’ he hesitated. ‘I can’t shake my anger towards him for seeing straight through me and for talking about you like a possession…’

‘If it makes you feel any better, he only behaves that way when you’re around,’ she replied. ‘I think he enjoys riling you up.’

Chakotay closed his eyes, embarrassed. Before he could open them again he was pleasantly surprised to find her lips against his. It was only for a moment, but he knew it was her way of comforting him, reminding him that she chose him.

‘I wish I could control my jealousy a little better,’ he smiled as he said it.

She smiled as well.

‘Well, I choose to take it as a compliment,’ she said. ‘Although perhaps be a little nicer to our guest in front of the rest of the crew or he won’t be the only one asking questions.’

‘Yes ma’am,’ he said jokingly.

She fell silent, squeezing his hand and he took that as an invitation to move to the sofa, casually putting an arm around her and pulling her closer. She lay her head on his shoulder, leaning lightly against his neck, and he kissed her lightly on the head before leaning his against hers.

He found it hard to believe that she was taking this all so lightly and he wondered if it was the alcohol or the stressful week or if had been so quiet that week that she hadn’t actually picked up on the rage simmering beneath the surface every time R’yul spoke.

‘Forgive me?’ he said seriously.

‘Only if you make it up to me later tonight,’ she joked in response.

He reached out and took her hand, squeezing it lightly. ‘That I can do.’

They fell into a comfortable silence and within minutes he heard her breathing change, alerting him to the fact she had fallen asleep.

He carried her to bed and lay her down carefully, hesitating for a moment and wondering if he should go back to his own quarters.

She made his decision for him a moment later.

‘Stay…’

She whispered it, but as he climbed under the blankets and she pulled him closer, tucking her head in underneath his, he knew she was awake enough to know what she was saying.

He felt his heart swell up in his chest as he placed an arm around her, holding her close. He still couldn’t believe that any of this was happening, that she was being so calm about it all. Every moment he spent with her like this all he could do was worry about when it was going to end, how it was going to end, wonder if he was about to wake up and realise this had all been some ridiculous hallucination caused by some kind of alien phenomena.

But he could smell her, feel her breath lightly against his skin, the warmth from her body comforting him like a blanket he hadn’t known he was missing.

It was real.

The urge to whisper that he loved her kept swirling in his mind, but his instincts told him not yet. He knew it would only take the smallest step too far and she would run for the hills.

So instead he closed his eyes and let comfortable sleep take him, trying not to worry too much about what happened next. Trying to just enjoy the moment as it was.

 

* * *

 

The Red Alert alarms woke him out of sleep. Thankfully he was still in his Starfleet uniform, as was she, so it didn’t take either of them any time to get ready.

‘Janeway to Tuvok, what’s going on?’ she asked.

‘ _Captain Janeway, please report to guest quarters_ ,’ Tuvok’s voice came through the system.

‘On my way,’ she replied, glancing at Chakotay.

Neither of them said it, but unfortunately all he could think about was whether or not someone would catch them both walking out of her quarters at 0300 hours with messy hair, looking half asleep.

Thankfully they were out in the hallway before they passed anyone, and they walked side by side in silence until they reached the guest quarters.

Paris and Harry Kim were waiting outside.

‘What’s going on, Lieutenant?’ she asked.

‘It’s Lieutenant R’yul,’ Paris replied.

‘What about him?’ she asked.

‘He’s dead,’ Harry replied.

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

If he was honest with himself, Harry Kim was eating alone at 1500 hours to avoid any more awkward silences. At least if he was intentionally alone, no one would sit opposite him and spend half an hour avoiding discussing Chakotay’s death.

He knew everyone was wondering what was happening. Why were they still hanging around Ki’jan territory, sticking their noses into a situation that was none of their business?

No one wanted to question the Captain, not in the state she was in. He knew the entire ship was well aware of her collapse, the rumours of her relationship with Chakotay had been circling the ship at warp speed – he’d heard a few version –from them being secretly in love with each other to they had been together since their time on New Earth, and everything in between. 

He’d laughed it off, but thinking about it, her reaction to Chakotay’s death had been surprising to him. She was always so incredibly strong and determined, not afraid to show her emotions, but not letting them overwhelm her in the heat of battle.

The entire ship looked to her for strength and he knew that’s why they were all struggling now, not only because they had lost someone so important to Voyager, but because this might be the death that finally broke their strong Captain.

And they needed closure.

Tuvok had informed all senior officers that Captain Janeway hadn’t wanted a funeral yet, but Harry couldn’t help thinking that it might just be the thing they all needed to take the next step forward.

He was surprised to see Tom enter the mess hall, looking slightly dazed and confused. He stopped when he saw Harry, glancing at his watch.

‘I guess I’m not the only one who forgot to eat lunch,’ Tom muttered, grabbing some of the stew Neelix had left out for stragglers.

He headed over to Harry and took a seat.

‘Actually, I was avoiding having lunch with anyone else,’ Harry told him as Tom smelt his food, unsure he actually wanted to eat it. ‘It’s not so bad.’

Tom looked up at him. ‘Avoiding people or the stew?’

‘The stew,’ Harry replied.

‘Well, sorry to interrupt your alone time, but if I don’t eat something I may collapse,’ Tom sighed, taking a bite and seeming okay with the food.

‘As long as you don’t sit there awkwardly avoiding the topic of Chakotay’s death, I don’t mind the company,’ Harry took another bite of his food.

Tom looked up at him and Harry couldn’t quite read the emotions on his face. It was almost as if Tom wanted to say something but had decided not to.

‘What?’ Harry asked.

‘Nothing,’ Tom replied.

Harry put his fork down, annoyed. Now Tom was avoiding talking about it too.

‘I think we need a funeral,’ Harry said. ‘Until we all stand up there and say goodbye, this awkwardness is just going to hang over the ship. Not to mention the rumours swirling about Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay’s relationship. It’s all a distraction from what we should actually be doing.’

Tom almost choked on his stew. ‘What about their relationship?’

‘Well at the low end of the spectrum people are saying they were secretly in love with each other but the Captain wouldn’t let it happen, at the other end I heard the ridiculous idea this morning that she’s pregnant with his child,’ Harry laughed.

Tom didn’t.

‘I have to go,’ Tom stood up, pushing his food towards Harry. ‘Feel free to finish that.’

Harry watched as his friend bolted, suddenly suspicious that Tom knew something he wasn’t letting on.

 

* * *

 

Folding her arms over her chest she stared out at the stars passing by. She wanted to believe so much that he was still out there, that they would find a way back, but she felt like the crew had already let go. With the exception of B’Elanna.

Her words still echoed through her mind.

_‘No but you’re the only person here he was in love with.’_

She had wanted B’Elanna to tell her that those were his words and when she hadn’t, Kathryn couldn’t push away the anger a moment longer. She hadn’t meant to explode but the words she had longed to hear from him for so long were right there and he wasn’t the one saying them.

There was a chime at the door and for a moment she considered not answering, then sighed.

‘Come in,’ she called, turning around to face the door.

She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or anxious when she saw Tom Paris step through the door. She raised an eyebrow at him as the door closed.

‘You seem confused, Lieutenant,’ she commented, almost amused.

‘Is it his?’ Tom asked bluntly.

She was taken aback, Tom had never been one to follow the rules, but he was always respectful of her and the others around her. It wasn’t like him to behave like this. She looked at him, watching the way his brow was furrowed and the obvious tension in his shoulders and she sighed.

He wasn’t dealing with this much better than she was.

‘I’m sorry, Captain, I didn’t mean…’

She waved him silent. ‘It’s alright, Tom. Take a seat.’

Slowly she sat down on the couch, indicating the chair next to her, usually reserved for Chakotay and on rare occasions Tuvok.

She guessed this was something that everyone was going to find out eventually, but she wasn’t sure it was a secret she wanted being public knowledge quite yet.

‘Why did you just ask me that question?’ she asked calmly, suddenly concerned for Tom.

She didn’t want to burden him with this secret, if it was up to her she would erase it from his memory. But it was too late for that.

‘There are a lot of rumours circulating the ship today, and I guess I wanted to know from you how much damage control you need me to do? Do you want me to deny everything and shut it down or are you about to announce to the whole ship that you’re having his child anyway?’

She smiled slightly. ‘You don’t need to lie for me Tom, although I would appreciate your discretion until the time is right.’

‘Of course,’ he replied instantly. ‘I’m sorry to bring it up, I just can’t imagine…’

‘Yes,’ she said quietly. ‘It is his.’

He took in a deep breath then looked her in the eye. She was surprised to see genuinely caring in his eyes, a slight smile tugging at his lips.

‘You should probably tell the Doctor, get him to check you over sooner rather than later,’ Tom said. ‘A lot of people on this ship cared deeply for Chakotay and this child might be the thing that holds them all together.’

He stood up, and for the first time she looked at him with new-found respect. Perhaps Tom Paris had a good future as a First Officer, and although that responsibility would default to Tuvok, maybe it was worth consideration that Tom Paris step up instead.

‘Are you giving me an order, Lieutenant?’ she narrowed her eyes at him, allowing herself a partial smile to let him know that she was in no way annoyed with him.

In fact she could finally understand why B’Elanna had fallen for him so strongly.

‘Well I guess without Chakotay around to look after you, someone has to,’ Tom replied. ‘So no, I’m not giving you an order, but I’m strongly suggesting it.’

He began walking away and she was glad he couldn’t see her expression as she tried to process the knife he had just stabbed through straight through her heart. It wasn’t that she didn’t know he wasn’t there anymore, but hearing it said in that way made it seem so real.

Just as she was about to let the tears rise to the surface again, Tom stopped and turned back to look at her.

‘There’s one more thing,’ he said.

‘I’ve already cut out the coffee,’ she tried to joke, but it came out flat and she could hear the heaviness to her voice.

Jokes weren’t going to come easy for a while.

‘I think we should have some kind of memorial service,’ he spoke slowly, precisely, as though he wanted to make very sure that she understood what he was saying.

Panic seized her immediately as he said it, and it took all of her energy to push that feeling away. Of course they would have to have a memorial service eventually but, so soon?

Well?

Why not?

It’s not like there was a body to autopsy or any preparations that needed to be done.

‘I just think that the crew are too afraid to even mention his name, that no one can accept he’s gone because there’s no closure of any kind,’ Tom continued. 'I feel like before we can continue our journey we need closure.’

She nodded slowly, realising what he was saying.

‘Okay,’ she said softly, turning back to look out the window. ‘Tell Tuvok we’ll do it tonight.’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ Tom replied.

And with that he was gone, the door sliding shut a sudden comfort to her.

She closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths as she did so. She would be expected to talk, to say something.

But what?

How was she supposed to even begin saying goodbye to Chakotay?

Opening her eyes she looked back out into space.

She had no idea how to do this and all she could hope was that someone else would.

 

* * *

 

Seven was more than a little annoyed at B’Elanna’s presence. If anyone but Captain Janeway had sent her down she would have kicked her out, but the order had come straight from the Captain and she didn’t want to upset the Captain any more than she had to right now.

‘Please stop pacing,’ Seven commanded.

B’Elanna stopped and glared at her. ‘Excuse me?’

‘It is distracting and does not achieve anything,’ Seven replied, looking up from her screen. ‘Unless of course you are trying to lose weight, in which case I believe the holodeck would be a more appropriate place for you to work off calories.’

Seven knew enough about B’Elanna to be aware that the look she gave her meant that she was considering hitting her in the face with her fist.

‘Violence also won’t assist me getting my task done any faster,’ Seven defended herself, looking back down at the screen.

B’Elanna sighed and walked around to stand next to her. ‘So?’

‘I have not yet completed my analysis, as you keep distracting me,’ Seven looked at her in annoyance.

‘But surely you have an opinion on whether or not I’m right?’ B’Elanna shot back.

‘I cannot be sure one way or the other until…’

‘Just take a guess.’

‘That would be inefficient,’ Seven replied.

B’Elanna let out a loud groan and walked away from Seven, much to her delight. She watched B’Elanna for a few moments as she began pacing again, observing the way her fists were balled up, her forehead creased, her jaw clenched shut.

She was upset but trying to hide it.

‘You have feelings for Commander Chakotay,’ Seven observed.

The look of shock on the other woman’s face told Seven that she had misread the situation.

‘No! I mean yes I have feelings for him, he’s my friend,’ B’Elanna shot back. ‘And if he’s alive, I want to know so that we can return and rescue him from those bastards! Is that so hard for you to understand?’

‘Yes,’ Seven replied honestly. ‘This whole situation is entirely unfamiliar to me. The Collective simply leave behind those who are suspected dead.’

B’Elanna took a few more steps towards her, her facial expression softening as she narrowed her eyes, tilting her head slightly.

‘You don’t feel anything about Chakotay’s death?’ she asked.

Seven was immediately uncomfortable. She wasn’t used to having feelings to deal with and she definitely wasn’t used to discussing them with anyone, let alone with a woman she had barely had anything to do with.

‘I feel blank,’ she replied.

‘Blank?’ B’Elanna questioned.

Seven looked at her. ‘Yes. I felt confusion and then something unfamiliar, melancholic I suppose, and now I feel nothing. Even less than I felt before.’

B’Elanna searched her eyes with fascination for a moment.

‘So you’ve just blocked it? Because that’s the most efficient way to deal with it?’ she asked.

‘I guess so,’ Seven responded.

‘How?’

Seven was surprised. Was B’Elanna…asking for advice?

‘I simply focused on work and haven’t given myself time to think about it,’ Seven replied.

‘I’ve already tried that, but all I feel is anger,’ B’Elanna replied, sinking down into the seat she had been standing near.

Seven watched her for a moment. Was this what it felt like to have friends? She wasn’t sure how she felt about this. It wasn’t something she had experienced before, but there was also something nice about B’Elanna actually opening up to her.

‘I guess because you have not accepted his death,’ Seven spoke simply. ‘You are standing here, asking me to tell you he is still alive. That is why you cannot block your emotions.’

B’Elanna’s eyes again sparked with the fire that had been there when she first entered the room.

‘Then I guess I’d rather be angry,’ she replied, standing up and storming out of Astrometrics.

Seven watched her go, confused about what she had said wrong. Then she turned her attention back to the data B’Elanna had brought her.

Humans were confusing.

And Klingons were even worse.

 

* * *

 

 

Kathryn wasn’t sure how long she had been standing in his quarters, wearing her dress uniform. The idea of standing in front of everyone and admitting that he was gone was too much for her to comprehend and she had come there for strength, but now she wasn’t sure it had been such a good idea.

She had taken in every inch of his quarters, taking comfort from just being surrounded by him, but now she couldn't leave.

When she had managed to leave his quarters that morning she had sworn to herself that she wouldn’t step in there again yet, but here she was.

‘Chakotay,’ she whispered, almost afraid that she might get a response. ‘I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to go into that room and say goodbye to you on behalf of everybody, without having even told you how much you meant to me. How can I stand there and tell those people what a wonderful person you are? How I cherished every minute of every day I spent with you, even on our worst days when we fought, you were still the best thing to ever happen to me…’

She took a seat, lightly touching his medicine bundle that sat on the table in front of her.

‘You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,’ she whispered quietly. ‘And I wish you could know that, and I’m sorry that I kept you at arms length for so long. I was afraid, afraid of exactly this happening. That you would be gone and I wouldn’t know anymore how to exist without you. Because I don’t, Chakotay. You are my everything, even before we kissed, before I even vaguely suspected you had feelings for me, basically from that first moment you agreed to be my First Officer. I didn’t want to admit it, not then and not even a few weeks ago, but I love you. I will always love you and you will always be a part of me.’

Her fingers tightened around the medicine bundle, as if she were grabbing him as she spoke.

‘And Chakotay, I’m pregnant,’ she whispered, unable to fight the tears anymore, her voice cracking as she spoke. ‘We’re having a child. And all I can think about is you being here, holding our child in your arms. I can see your smile as you laugh with them and suddenly all my fears about being with you seem redundant. So I’m sorry, sorry that I left it so late and sorry that you’ll never even get to know about our family.’

She took a deep breath as she stood back up.

‘And if by some miracle you are still out there, I will do everything in my power to get you back,’ she spoke determinedly as she wiped her tears away. ‘I promise.’

Picking up the medicine bundle she held it close to her for a moment, as though she was hugging him. Then she turned and headed to the one place she had hoped she would never have to go.

Chakotay’s funeral.

 


End file.
